I hope you hadn’t assumed that I ran out of reasons to cry in my 20’s. There are just so many. Enjoy mine and feel free to send in your own to firstname.lastname@example.org
#51: I just realized I was born with a penis and a vagina, and I can say confidently that my personality would have complimented the cock much better Mom and Dad.
#52: I blacked out at my work function.
#53: But officer, I can’t afford a DUI.
#54: My life is organized chaos 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.
#55: I just found out that dating isn’t a competitive sporting event in which you drink every time the person you’re with says something that bores you, and whoever gets to the blackout first, wins. I legit thought I was gonna go pro.
#56: I’m a gluttonous whore, and refuse to admit that I’m lactose intolerant.
#57: I haven’t gotten laid in a while, so I’ve been running in bad areas of downtown Boston really late at night… and well unfortunately… nobody even wants to rape me.
#58: This is the last time I felt confident on a beach.
#59: I can’t afford a car, so I’m looking into Vespas, but I can’t afford a Vespa, so I bought a bicycle.
#60: Jesus wouldn’t even date me, let alone love me.
#61: I can’t stop snacking!!!
#62: I can’t find someone that will make me laugh, and then isn’t horribly offended by what my laugh sounds like. Why can’t I be the girl with the cute laugh?
#63: The shower is the best place to have sex and drink wine… He’ll never be able to identify which drops are tears.
#64: No bunny loves me. And no bunny can pick me up.
#65: Just bumped into my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend as I was walking out of a 90 minute heated yoga class.
#66: I don’t know how to have bangs.
#67: If I’m currently pregnant, I’m very unsure of the nationality of my future baby.
#68: Mom, lets talk about why you hate me so much.
#69: I’m not making my home town proud, and I don’t really give a fuck, because my hometown doesn’t always make me proud.
#70: I spent a week on a cruise vacation with someone only to realize we definitely shouldn’t be in a relationship. Most expensive break up ever. PS: It’s very hard to hide from someone on a ship.
#71: “Social media so hard mother fuckers wanna fire me” … no, but seriously… I got fired. That shit cray.
#72: There’s an unidentified rash on my face. Can you get an STD on your face from a facial?
#73: I can’t pack appropriately for a 3-day weekend.
#74: I can’t find anyone that wants to take me out to dinner.
#75: I shattered two iPhones in 10 days!!! #1 at being the most destructive human ever!
#76: I can’t even make a commitment to not eating carbs.
#77: While I was pooping out our late night Chinese food, my gay best friend liked all the Asians on Tinder.
#78: I’ve developed so many trust issues that even my trust falls have been effected.
#79: Everyone was on Mollie last night, except me. Everyone at the party thought I was on Mollie last night. All the people on Mollie thought I was on Mollie. Also, this is the split that is leading to a major knee surgery. No one appreciates what I do to entertain.
#80: I made my shitty ex boyfriend take me apple picking, just so I could take a bunch of pictures while we were apple picking, only so I could upload them on to all my social media platforms, just to trick other people into believing we were in love with each other.
#81: I caught the bouquet in a split, and I still won’t be the next one to get married.
#82: I hope you know that my drinking problem isn’t the only reason I’m going to black out and fall asleep before midnight. It’s also because I don’t want to be up when I have nobody to kiss when the ball drops at midnight.
#83: No one understands how hard it is to have dreams. No one understands how hard it is to chase dreams. No one understands my sense of humor. I’m really complaining a lot.
#84: I’m a 28 year old who spent 14 hours at the beach in 97 degree heat, and “forgot” to put sunblock on.
#85: My friends are starting to have children, and I’m still babysitting other people’s so I can afford to buy condoms.
#86: Someone compared my comedy style to “Carrot Top” and that’s when I realized my prop is my vagina.
#87: There was a weird point in my life when I thought this would be a beautiful save the date for my ex boyfriend and I to send out, unfortunately he was touching everyone’s boobs.
#88: Our society is so self-centered! I’m so self-centered.
#89: None of the sexy Halloween costumes fit me correctly or look cute on me.
#90: Just asked the guy I’ve been banging where he lives, and he casually responded, “I own a place in the South End with my fiance.” News to me, pal.
#91: Back to work after a long weekend… someone please hold me.
#92: I fall in love with every abrasively charming, funny, guy I meet. Unfortunately, they don’t fall in love with me… or find me remotely funny.
#93: I have no back up plan, or safety net set up. No plan B; Just comedy… and this is the crowd I’m currently gathering at my shows!
#94: People never believe me, and laugh, when I say I’m good with children.
#95: I’m wearing a pair of $400 designer boots; my rent was due 10 days ago, and I just transferred the last $.93 I had in my savings, into my checking so I could buy a pitcher of Bud Light. Just living the good ol’ American dream… living above my means.
#96: I don’t have a fucking clue where I’m going, and I can’t fucking see anything ahead.
#97: I feel like a complete dickhead
most of all the time.
#98: I hate wearing protection.
#99: This is the closest I’ve gotten to an engagement ring pic… I bought that ring pop myself.
#100: If this blog has taught me anything, it’s that I’ll do anything for money.