Reasons I’m STILL Crying In My 20s

I hope you hadn’t assumed that I ran out of reasons to cry in my 20’s.  There are just so many.  Enjoy mine and feel free to send in your own to


penis and vagina

#51:  I just realized I was born with a penis and a vagina, and I can say confidently that my personality would have complimented the cock much better Mom and Dad.





#52:  I blacked out at my work function.





#53:  But officer, I can’t afford a DUI.





#54:  My life is organized chaos 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.




2013-07-08 21.55.55-1

#55:  I just found out that dating isn’t a competitive sporting event in which you drink every time the person you’re with says something that bores you, and whoever gets to the blackout first, wins.  I legit thought I was gonna go pro.




2013-04-28 13.38.00

#56:  I’m a gluttonous whore, and refuse to admit that I’m lactose intolerant.




2013-05-30 23.02.31

#57:  I haven’t gotten laid in a while, so I’ve been running in bad areas of downtown Boston really late at night… and well unfortunately… nobody even wants to rape me.




2013-06-27 13.22.36

#58:  This is the last time I felt confident on a beach.




2013-07-10 22.33.18

#59:  I can’t afford a car, so I’m looking into Vespas, but I can’t afford a Vespa, so I bought a bicycle.





#60:  Jesus wouldn’t even date me, let alone love me.




2013-07-10 22.21.33

#61:  I can’t stop snacking!!!




2013-07-10 22.23.46

#62:  I can’t find someone that will make me laugh, and then isn’t horribly offended by what my laugh sounds like.  Why can’t I be the girl with the cute laugh?




2013-06-08 23.20.40-1

#63:  The shower is the best place to have sex and drink wine… He’ll never be able to identify which drops are tears.




2013-07-10 22.20.48

#64:  No bunny loves me.  And no bunny can pick me up.




2013-05-21 18.39.45

#65:  Just bumped into my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend as I was walking out of a 90 minute heated yoga class.




2013-07-10 22.15.23

#66:  I don’t know how to have bangs.




photo (17)

#67:  If I’m currently pregnant, I’m very unsure of the nationality of my future baby.




Why do you hate me

#68:  Mom, lets talk about why you hate me so much.




2013-07-10 22.14.51

#69:  I’m not making my home town proud, and I don’t really give a fuck, because my hometown doesn’t always make me proud.




2013-07-10 22.11.06

#70:  I spent a week on a cruise vacation with someone only to realize we definitely shouldn’t be in a relationship.  Most expensive break up ever.  PS:  It’s very hard to hide from someone on a ship.





#71:  “Social media so hard mother fuckers wanna fire me” … no, but seriously… I got fired.  That shit cray.




photo (18)

#72:  There’s an unidentified rash on my face.  Can you get an STD on your face from a facial?




packing fail

#73:  I can’t pack appropriately for a 3-day weekend.





#74:  I can’t find anyone that wants to take me out to dinner.





#75:  I shattered two iPhones in 10 days!!!  #1 at being the most destructive human ever!




photo (19)

#76:  I can’t even make a commitment to not eating carbs.




2013-07-10 22.05.13

#77:  While I was pooping out our late night Chinese food, my gay best friend liked all the Asians on Tinder.




Trust Fall

#78:  I’ve developed so many trust issues that even my trust falls have been effected.




sorry not sorry

#79:  Everyone was on Mollie last night, except me.  Everyone at the party thought I was on Mollie last night.  All the people on Mollie thought I was on Mollie.  Also, this is the split that is leading to a major knee surgery.  No one appreciates what I do to entertain.




photo (20)

#80:  I made my shitty ex boyfriend take me apple picking, just so I could take a bunch of pictures while we were apple picking, only so I could upload them on to all my social media platforms, just to trick other people into believing we were in love with each other.




2013-04-20 11.02.36

#81:  I caught the bouquet in a split, and I still won’t be the next one to get married.




2013-07-10 22.09.11

#82: I hope you know that my drinking problem isn’t the only reason I’m going to black out and fall asleep before midnight.  It’s also because I don’t want to be up when I have nobody to kiss when the ball drops at midnight.





#83:  No one understands how hard it is to have dreams.  No one understands how hard it is to chase dreams.  No one understands my sense of humor.  I’m really complaining a lot.




2013-06-15 22.40.08-1

#84: I’m a 28 year old who spent 14 hours at the beach in 97 degree heat, and “forgot” to put sunblock on.




2013-07-01 12.58.32

#85:  My friends are starting to have children, and I’m still babysitting other people’s so I can afford to buy condoms.




2013-06-26 00.28.03

#86:  Someone compared my comedy style to “Carrot Top” and that’s when I realized my prop is my vagina.




2013-07-10 22.16.21

#87:  There was a weird point in my life when I thought this would be a beautiful save the date for my ex boyfriend and I to send out, unfortunately he was touching everyone’s boobs.




2013-07-07 16.32.20

#88:  Our society is so self-centered!  I’m so self-centered.




2013-07-10 22.06.34

#89:  None of the sexy Halloween costumes fit me correctly or look cute on me.





#90:  Just asked the guy I’ve been banging where he lives, and he casually responded, “I own a place in the South End with my fiance.”  News to me, pal.




2013-07-08 12.31.28

#91:  Back to work after a long weekend… someone please hold me.





he didn't think i was funny


#92:  I fall in love with every abrasively charming, funny, guy I meet.  Unfortunately, they don’t fall in love with me… or find me remotely funny.






stand up

#93:  I have no back up plan, or safety net set up.  No plan B; Just comedy… and this is the crowd I’m currently gathering at my shows!





#94:  People never believe me, and laugh, when I say I’m good with children.




400$ boots

#95:  I’m wearing a pair of $400 designer boots; my rent was due 10 days ago, and I just transferred the last $.93 I had in my savings, into my checking so I could buy a pitcher of Bud Light.  Just living the good ol’ American dream… living above my means.





#96:  I don’t have a fucking clue where I’m going, and I can’t fucking see anything ahead.




dick nose

#97:  I feel like a complete dickhead most of all the time.




wear protection

#98:  I hate wearing protection.




ring pop

#99:  This is the closest I’ve gotten to an engagement ring pic… I bought that ring pop myself.




I'll do anything for money

#100:  If this blog has taught me anything, it’s that I’ll do anything for money.



Love Always,




2 Responses

  1. Randy
    Randy August 16, 2015 at 8:29 pm | | Reply

    I would enjoy dating you so much your whole blog made me smile! Such a cutie!

  2. NBMS
    NBMS August 16, 2015 at 9:38 pm | | Reply

    Thank you – I’m flattered that you feel that way!

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